About Me

💛 To the person reading this.  I hope you find some sort of peace reading this.  Know you are not alone. 💛

The Moment that Changed It All

✨ I was sitting on the couch….with my knees to my chest. 

I remember feeling so sad.  So alone.  Thinking and hearing my inner voice saying “something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is.”  I thought to myself….maybe I was actually crazy.  I mean could it be?

If I didn’t know what was wrong with me or how to explain to someone else what I was feeling, how could I possibly get any answers?  Was this it?  Am I going to spend the rest of my life….feeling like I’m broken.  Like there is something wrong with me….

I did what everyone else does to get some sort of an answer.  Some piece of instant gratification in that moment to help aid myself back into thinking “I have to be normal, I just have to be.”

So I picked up my phone, I went to Google…I clicked in the box to start my inquiry….and I froze.    Just staring at the insert icon blinking….  

“I don’t know how to ask.  I don’t know where to start.”  

Trying not to overthink this.  Telling myself that baby steps were ok.  It was better than nothing.  I merely wanted relief.  Something. 

So I asked myself……. “What are you so afraid of?”

Then I started to type……..  And I was honest.

“I’m afraid of people seeing me.” 

And there it was.  

While I am staring at my tiny screen on my phone…alone…on my couch…a hot mess….. It was the first time I had felt heard, validated…safe…. in a long long long time.

The screen read:

Scopophobia.  

Google’s definition read: “Scopophobia- a type of specific phobia in which people have an excessive fear of being watched or looked at.”

I felt elated.  Exhilarated.  I felt……peace. 

“So I’m not alone.  This is a thing.  This is real.  OTHER PEOPLE feel this.  So I’m NOT crazy.  I have a severe phobia.” 

Ok…..  this is a start.   

From that moment on, everything clicked. 

The pieces in my life I had to force my way through…..or fake that I was ok….or take extra steps in my every day life…all of those things that made me feel like an outsider of the world….  It all started to make sense. 

Let me elaborate.

I remember at a very very young age….walking in front of people…felt paralyzing.  

Sitting at the table during lunch with my friends, I believe this was 6th grade….and one of them asking if I’d go get another zebra cake from the cafeteria.  

The way our area was set up was in layers.  The first layer looked like an open dance floor.  The second and third layers had tables spread all over.  The cafeteria was inside a set of double doors.  

We were sitting on the farthest side from the double doors.  

It might as well be miles away. 

“If I stood up, everyone would see me.”  Then to have to walk all the way to the other side??

My friends didn’t know I had this fear.  

I didn’t know I had this fear.  I just knew I was scared to be seen.

I couldn’t tell them; they would make fun of me. 

Of course in middle school, everything is a huge deal. 

I couldn’t be the laughing stock.

So what did I do?  

I stood up, turned around and started walking.  It was like the room went silent and I could hear my own heart beat.  It was terrifying.  I HATED it.  But I felt I had to do it.  I had to fake it.  There was no other option.  

Over the years when I had to go to the store or run errands….I pulled in the parking lot. And sat.  Sometimes for long periods of time  because I couldn’t get out of the car.  I was too afraid. 

Walking all through the parking lot….the store….all of the people….was more than daunting.  It wasn’t an easy thing to do….it was numbing.

I had to give myself pep talks all the time.  Not only was I having to step out of my comfort zone, but I had to also fake it.  That I was normal.  That I was merely there to grab some groceries.  Not that I was in a paralyzing situation.  That, in itself, was a full time job.

Masking….faking….pretending…. I couldn’t let others know.  This is weird. I’m weird.  I was in survival mode the second I was in public.  Every.  Single.  Day.

I would go out of my way in the hopes of not seeing anyone I knew.  And when I did, it got worse. 

You know when you’re in the store and you make eye contact with someone you know?  It’s not like you can pretend you didn’t see them….it would be obvious. 

So what does a normal person do?  They greet them.

“Hey, how are you?”  

Even though deep down, I didn’t care.  I was in fight or flight.  The only thing I could think of was  “how can I escape.”  

I could feel my whole body get red.  And for someone who has vitiligo….it was….well super obvious. 

It was like those thermometers where you watch the red indicator line increase. 

I could FEEL my body turning red.  

So here I am….talking with whomever…..in an uncomfortable place…..trying to hide the fact that I am beat red…..

So what do I do in order to try and mask the redness? 

I pretend to have a coughing fit….and start fanning myself that I just maybe choked on my own spit.  Or swallowed wrong or what have you. 

Because that was the only way I could reconcile why the hell my whole body was having a reaction.  I couldn’t understand it.  They’re surely not going to understand it. 

They couldn’t know.  All they knew was hey maybe this girl needs a glass of water. 

Not “oh she must be in survival mode.” 

Whatever I could do….to hide the fact that I was immeasurably uncomfortable.  

It’s not like I could turn it off.  By my so called ‘coughing fit’ …. At least it provided me with even one ounce of comfort. 

That maybe just maybe I could get away with it.  

I could run into someone I am very comfortable with…and because it’s in public?  With a gazillion eyes on me?  It still happened. 

It became increasingly uncomfortable. 

Sometimes I’d walk into the store with my phone up to my ear just to feel….safe.  Protected.  From people. 

It was my shield.  If I have my phone up to my ear….people usually don’t bother or talk to those that are on the phone.  This could be my….service device.

Sounds funny thinking of it like that.   But….it worked.  That was all I needed.  

Driving….even when I’m driving. 

In areas I know to be super busy or specific times of the day….I’ll go out of my way. Even if it’s away from my destination, in order to avoid those busier areas. How pathetic is that?  Driving? 

I’ll drive extra miles to and from work just to avoid the busier streets.  If there is a back road?  I’m taking it. 

Less people.  Less eyes.  Less chances to be seen.  

When I would travel to visit family….If I pulled up to a gas station or rest stop to use the restroom….and there were people standing outside?  I’d either leave or have to call someone. 

The mere thought of parking….opening the door…getting out…and walking past them to get inside?  Impossible.  Unbearable.  

At the movies.  

The movie has started.  Everyone in their seats.  It’s dark.  Quiet.  That would mean the window to get up and use the restroom is closed. 

A refill on popcorn?  Out of the question.  There would be NO way or ZERO chance….that I’d get up and walk in front of ALL of those people…having ALL of those eyes, on me.  

Are those people looking at me?  Probably not.  Do those people care that I stood up to go to the restroom?  Absolutely not. 

But the reality of it was….. In MY mind…..there might as well be one million people staring at me.  

Work?  It affected me there too.  

For years I worked as a receptionist.  The busy hustle and bustle that went hand in hand with it, I loved. 

Phones and filing and paperwork.  I mean who loves sitting at a desk?  I LOVED it.  Unfortunately office politics is the reason I left.  But that’s besides the point.  

While I worked there….I sat at this huge long counter.  It took up a large area.  It wasn’t a simple one person desk. Meaning…I couldn’t hide.  

Different employees and clients would have to approach me, naturally. 

One on one?  Ok, that could be doable. 

Sometimes multiple employees would gather in my general area and chit chat here and there.  

If someone asked me a question, naturally all eyes would turn to me as I responded.  That was hell. 

And to be put on the spot like that…..

Here I am in survival mode because I now have all of these eyes on me…..then I forget what they asked because I’m trying to now come up with…do I cough or sneeze…..the redness is going to come soon…..

So now they’re staring….I’m dying inside….and trying to come up with a response in hopes that it has anything to do with the the hell they’ve just asked me.  

With that, sometimes there are awkward responses. 

Scopophobia can go hand in hand with social anxiety.  Fun right? 

For most people, what would be a normal conversation of people merely conversing back and forth…..and here I am…. well….not most people. 

Sometimes I’m able to spit something out and appear confident. 

It was like “Respond Roulette.”  It was either going to be cohesive and a success or I’d be left there feeling….well…dumb.

💛 Something about me.  I’m actually a people person.  Let me elaborate.  

I’m human.  I love connection.  I love helping people. 

I am the most loyal person you’ll ever meet.  I am merely……an introvert. 

An introvert with Scopophobia.  

I am kind.  Genuine.  I believe in paying it forward.  I’m just….different.

I love people.  I wish I could talk to people without feeling what I feel. 

Without the redness. 

Being uncomfortable. 

So….I continue to be the weird and vibrant person I know I am. 

I live each day the best way I know how.  And that’s ok!  I am happy.  

I love to be outside.  

I love concerts.  Yes!  Concerts. 

What is usually at concerts?  TONS of people. 

Do I want them to see me?  Of course not. 

But in some parallel universe….it works.  It’s lessened. 

People at concerts are mingling and having fun with their group of friends or family. 

They’re usually under the influence too.  They’re there to have a good time. 

I don’t exist in a group that big.  They’re preoccupied. 

Will I walk in front of areas where there is a crowd and a huge opening? 

Of course not. 

But I can hide in a crowd. 

It’s the smaller venues like the office….grocery store….movies….that’s what doesn’t work.  

Are all scopophobes like this?  Is this normal scopophobia behavior? 

That I don’t know…but what I do know…is this is who I am.

I remember sitting at my desk one day…..this was at a job at a call center. 

I could hide behind a phone.  Boy oh boy was that nice.  

If you’ve ever worked at a call center….you KNOW. 

You know how difficult it is.  Scopophobe or not.  

At the time, I was working 10 hour days, 4 days a week. 

From the moment I clocked in to the moment I clocked out, I was on the phone.  70-100 calls a day.  

This wasn’t a job where my mind could roam free or day dream so to speak. 

By that I mean….a stocker at Walmart….they have the mental freedom to think….daydream…wander….  They can listen to music.  Multi-think.  

When you work at a call center…..you’re on the phones non stop.  

Your brain is constantly working:  Policies.  Inquiries.  Adjustments.  Tickets.  

On repeat. 

For hours and hours. 

Every day. 

There was never a free moment to catch a thought.  

I took my headset off at the end of my shift one day. 

Overwhelmed. 

Tears running down my face.

Hiding in my little cubicle. 

And I said to myself….”I am meant for so much more than this.”  

So my mind started to wander.

“There HAS to be something out there for me.”

“How could I make an income from home?”

“How could I make a living while being AWAY from other people?  Where I couldn’t be seen.”

“How can I make money online?”

My journey began.  

So I went to work reading and researching and watching EVERYTHING I could about making money online.  

From guru to guru, professional to professional, from one success story to the next, it came down to one thing…..I needed thousands of dollars to get started, and equipment I didn’t have.  So here I am with all of this knowledge, but now I’m stuck? I can’t proceed?

That didn’t stop me….I went on and on and on to try and make this happen.  I was hungry for it. Eager to move forward with everything I learned. I never stopped learning. I may not have had the tools to put it to something at that point, but boy did I feel a high while learning what could be. I mean when you want something bad enough, somehow….some way…you make it happen. You find a way.

You know the saying “your gut is always right?”

Or

“Follow your gut.” 

Or

“Follow your intuition.”  

It was like I was standing outside…. myself on one side of the field, and my dreams on the other side. 

And there was this proverbial glass wall between me and my dream. 

I couldn’t get to the other side.  

Although at the time, I couldn’t figure out why. 

And Lord knows I am DETERMINED.  I am MOTIVATED.  I mean I am a Capricorn after all.

I learned through trial and error and certainly NOT for lack of try…..that particular route was not meant to be my journey.  

I never stopped fantasizing about it.  I never stopped thinking about it…..I never stopped dreaming.  I had so many tools from all of that time just learning away. I was so ready to apply my knowledge. I was eager for my dreams. My success.

It was like my addiction. 

I knew there was a way.  There had to be. This is the 21st century. Something would change. Technology is ever growing. There would be other ways.

Maybe my original plan wasn’t meant for me. 

But I knew there was a way.  

I started over.  

This time felt different. 

It was clear. 

There was no glass wall. 

This was to be my calling. 

I FELT it.  

I knew I wanted to make money online and help people. 

I knew I wanted to be successful.

But how.  

How could I do it in a way where I could be behind the scenes. 

Not show my face.  

I knew I didn’t want to be one of those people that made a million dollars and cringingly shared how to make a million dollars.

I am and want to be that person working and applying everything I’ve learned and am continuously learning to those that are like minded. Those that want something real. Those that are relatable. Nothing showy. Just pure and honest material. The good and bad and ugly. The successes. The failures. We’re human. Growth is a beautiful thing. And perfection is gross.

Rather than making my story a complete novel, I decided to put the different ways to make money online in a free guide.  The basics of what it looks like.

If you’re interested, you can grab It here. 

💛 After watching other people’s success, I have learned the tools I need in order to become successful in the way that would benefit me best.  

I am currently in my journey. 

I am loving this process. 

I am applying everything I’ve learned in order to be successful and sharing with others in real time.  

My passion is helping people. 

Helping people who are like me.  Spreading awareness to those that also share this, and reinforcing that you are not alone. 💛

Those that are vibrant….have a zest for life….have goals and dreams….but maybe you have this crippling fear that holds you back.

Maybe you want to make money from home too. 

Maybe you have dabbled in wanting to become an entrepreneur.  Or have started your entrepreneurial journey.  

Imagine waking up every morning….doing something you love…and making thousands and thousands of dollars.  All without leaving your home.  At least the freedom of not having to be forced to go into work. Corporate. 9-5. Reporting to others. Working under someone. Being out there. Seen. You could work in a park. The beach. Mountains. Simply having the tools and means to choose. That is the freedom I’m talking about.

Or spending the day outside in your backyard with your coffee, a journal and the sunrise…. Spending a few hours a day working as an entrepreneur. Or whatever that may look like to you.

I know I am on my way.  

With Scopophobia comes many other life challenges.  Those challenges I will share in another post. 

🤍Today, and every day, I will continue working hard in my business endeavors, sharing everything I know.  🤍

All those years of learning and researching and growing when I thought I couldn’t proceed because I didn’t have the funds the professionals said I needed to be successful.

I’ve taken all of those tools and are applying them. And I’ll be sharing them, with you.

Teaching every bit of success I can with you.  Along with the tools to help aid us in the challenges we face as Scopophobics.

Providing what has helped me and can help you.  

Today, I will also continue working on the challenges I myself face as someone with Scopophobia.  

That day, when I found out I had this fear, I felt intense relief to know I wasn’t alone in this.  

If you too share this phobia, please know we are together in this. 

You are not alone.  

Today, I will continue to become the best version of myself. 

I’ll follow my love for growth and wealth and teaching others

…..as the introverted dreamer.   💛